Sweeping

Sweeping the past under the rug. Making it all disappear from view, this will help wont it? Wanting the pain to dissipate into something manageable. This old broom, doesn’t seem to have failed me yet – I’ve been able to walk away from the worst with this in hand. I walked away from torture, pain, and turmoil. The steady movements of sweeping the brewing pain in to a neat little pile, prepping it for the journey of being shoved under the rug. Out of sight, out of mind…

Sitting on the edge, heart screaming “I need more!” And waiting, waiting, and waiting until the day the pain will set along with the sun.

Daily, walking past the rug. Haunted by the things swept under it. Not even avoiding the room stops the haunting.

Dreams of despair trembles sweet slumber. Unable to escape the black hole of broken hearts swept under the once beautiful and admired rug.

The unfocused movie of life drones passed without the intended laugh here’s or cry here’s. Just an unfocused audience waiting for something to grasp his or her attention. Sadly, nothing thrown onto the screen can budge the grief filled hearts and minds.

Sun Set.

Sun Rise.

Day dreams for the broken hearted bless each with the joys of possibilities.

Sun Set.

Sun Rise.

The rug. It has to go. No more sweeping broken hearts under the rug. NO MORE!

JUST STOP HIDING ALREADY!

Throw the damned rug away. It will never be the glory it was before. It can be replaced.

Deal with the pieces. Spend time with the pieces.

Pack these broken hearts up, and…

Say Your Goodbyes!

Slave

I am trapped within the confines of your love. A slave unable to escape from your powerful hands taking control once again of the freedom I fought through exhaustion for. Your love suffocates me. Making it impossible to move, impossible to breathe, impossible to live unassisted. Your love defines who I am allowed to be, what I am allowed to think, do, and believe.
You shape me into the person you want throwing away any individuality and strength I once had and replacing it with dependence and weakness. Nothing I do can be done without your say.
Even when your love is only a shadow I am still weakened and unable to truly function. I am still forced into your shadow when I try to feel the sun’s warmth on my skin to warm me and comfort me. I am forced to live without true comfort for you wont allow your love’s shadow to let me go.
I dream of dancing within the sun’s warmth, pushing the shadows away, filling my lungs with untainted air, and being truly free of your love.
To be free of your love – I do not even know what this statement means but it is all that I can dream of.
I dream beyond the sleepless nights that I can live a life without you lurching in the shadows waiting for your chance to seep back into the cracks of my heart to poison me into being your slave once again.

breaking in

the joys of your warmth
slips, slowly, between
my finger tips
fracturing foundations of my life

whisping me deep,
deep into imprisonment
of your demands
no longer does a fight
prevail, your strength
outweighs mine

powerless with you
breaking down the barriers
forged myself once thought
to be strong

A nail bent under the weight of things too heavy for any nail

The shiny new nail, so proud to stand so erect next to the old, tired, bent nails lined against the wall not knowing the terrible path her existence will lead her down awaiting the trials to come. Life seeming so simple and pure, that no harm will come to those who do right by others. The innocence of childhood spilling over into the dark depths of adolescents creating a false awareness of the surroundings; this nail, so innocent, only desires to belong. The pressures of society were nothing to her, nothing that would stop her from standing strong and sticking true to her identity.
Identity? Nail – do you really know who you are?
Little did she know the lines of her identity would blur into something not even she would enjoy.
Floating through the path of adolescents, trying to remain erect only failing miserably because of the weight being held is far too heavy for any nail to successfully hold. The nail facing peer pressure daily and trying to fit in without losing her original identity while transforming into something acceptable.
Slowly bending under the pressure of the people using and abusing her, taking full advantage of her helpful features. Never once thanking her for always being there when needed the most.
Constantly being neglected, no one is caring about her slow and eminent deterioration. The only care people have is that anything they hang upon the nail is still hanging upon their return.
But, one day the weight of things too heavy for any nail will bring doom to the nail and make it unusable and undesirable to anyone.

I am a survivor of your torture.

Fighting for my dream: is it really worth it, will I ever reach it, should I really be fighting so hard?
Struggling day in and day out because of what you did to me. It is not fair. I get the continuous heartache, pain, and suffering while you can just live on without a care in the world of how bad your ripple affect has been in my life.
I walk in the shadows of the suffering. I live surrounded by fear. I breathe self-hatred. I see only disappointment reflecting in the mirror. I want to wake up from this nightmare I live day in and day out.
I have to see your face every time I close my eyes. I am forced to hear your voice when I am surrounded by people, calling out for me, begging me to return to you.
I am your victim, trying to survive a losing battle. Losing my mind to a race to the end – the end of suffering.
I am your creating, your masterpiece. You are the artist. No matter the distance I create, your still in the background entwined with my existence. Your roots have infested my being, spreading like cancer: eating away at the hope and happiness I grasp for.
Picturing life still within your demented sphere: struggling just to keep face, to keep love in the air, to be an individual, to continue being a victim and never getting the chance to be a survivor is a life I never want to go back to.
You held me back. You hold me back, from all I dream for myself. You control without being present, you a remote control gone rogue, not willing to let the cords be severed. Not willing to walk away even when it is for the best. The best for the one you so empty heartedly loved.
I was never enough for you then, never will be enough for you in the future. Learn this and walk away.
I did.
Was the best lesson I have learned
I can only dream of achieving life without you as my shadow.
I am a survivor of your torture.

In the Background

the giant elephant
trampling dreams of
content, love and laughter
disallowing the truth to be said

the healing forcefully postponed
truths to be spread
not to be trusted
fading in the past filled
happiness

let it be said
this
is not wanted
life morphs with the
giant elephant
looking in the background

My Worth

You tell me I’m worthless
Nondeserving of anything great
For I do not care enough
Nor give enough.

I gave you all I could give
You have everything
The strings to my life
You are my puppetier
Controlling my every move.

I am nothung, powerless
Unable to be without your say
You say: “jump”
I say: “how hight?”

Throughout my time with you as my puppetier
I have been nothing but great to you
I am your support but to you
I am the doormat
and that being all i am capable of.

I allowed you to tell me
I am worthless to you
Yet still allow you to control my strings.

Let me go
I deserve at least that
I can’t be your puppet forever
I have worth and
You can’t afford me.

Opulent Dreams

Catching in the soft winds,
     bustling through the leaves,
The opulent dreams of a better life:
     Hopes to overcome the horrendous.
Dying wishes – come to life,
     Before the physical decay starts,
Slow decent into an absentee:
     Letting go of all power and control.

Spreading Joy

Longing for tomorrow, seeping with joy
Knowing all will snap into place within your arms
Freedom to move, to act farther towards your hidden love
The tingles spread throughout
Bring me closer, closer to you and your over flowing heart

Just Getting Something Down

Every time I hear the word
It pings at my soul
Fully armored emotions breaking free
From the tightly woven binds

Struggling to be sound
With the surrounding world
A balancing act
Life with and without the word

Ripping my entirety apart
Leaving bits and pieces to crumble,
To die.
Alone.